Welcome to the Show! (About Sandrine)
- Sandrine Wolfe
- Jan 14, 2023
- 6 min read
Bonjour et Bienvenue!
Welcome to the Hypnotqiue Movement Blog! This post is an introduction to me, Sandrine, my experience growing up "big", and the blog as a whole. Check out below to read my story.
**Trigger Warning: Post contains mentions of bullying and eating disorders*
About Sandrine Wolfe
If you'd like to read my dance bio, click the button below. Here, I want to dive deeper into my experience, so I'll be talking a lot more about my movement background and my experience as a larger-bodied girl.
I started my movement journey when I was in elementary school. I fondly remember playing recreational basketball as a little kid, and I often find myself missing those days. My father was the coach of some of the local girl's teams, and those are some of the happiest days of my childhood. I liked having the movement to get out all of my little kid energy, and I also liked being on a team. When I was growing up, Asheville was a smaller town, and most of the parents of the girls on my team knew each other, which helped with the kids getting to know each other, too. In addition to basketball (which I played for 5 years or so), I also played softball for a little bit, "played" with swords with my brother, and was a fairly active Girl Scout.
I got pretty good at sports, specifically basketball, and especially being in defensive positions. I've always been a bit "wider" than my peers, and I think that's part of the reason why I knew exactly what to do when being pushed around on the court. In softball, I was always afraid of the ball so I liked batting better, but that's why I only played for a couple of seasons. My experience of being decent at basketball gave me some confidence, and I really enjoyed it.
Girl Scouts were another thing I liked. I've always felt connected with nature, and I liked talking about values that upheld both my girlhood and the world. While my troop was fantastic and usually a positive aspect when I think back on it, there was one time at camp that stands out to me.
I had gone to Girl Scout Camp twice. The first time was daytime hours. I loved hiking around camp, archery, catching fish, canoeing, swimming, and all of the other crafty and "girly" things you did at camp. The second year I went, I stayed for a week straight. It was the first time I had spent so long away from my parents.
During this second visit, there was an event at the dinning hall that was "Medieval" themed.
We were meant to wear princess-like dresses to this particular dinner, and I had packed a shorter teal dress that had been part of a Halloween costume I wore the Autumn before. Before I mention the event that I have internalized, it's important to mention that I was in middle school at this time, and that I developed pretty fast. I was taller, fuller figured, and I was growing leg hair at this point.
All of the girls got dressed in their outfits, and as preteen girls do, we looked around at each other. I remember distinctly thinking that everyone looked amazing. Apparently, the feeling wasn't mutual. Just as distinct in my memory, a more "popular" girl came up to me and told me how disgusting I looked. She pointed out my thicker legs (remember, shorter dress), the hair growing on them, and my wide shoulders (this dress was also sleeveless).
I was highly sensitive as a little girl, so I'm sure that I cried, but I don't remember if I told a counselor or not. If I did, there was no real action taken to comfort me or let the other girl know about how her words could affect me.
I do remember, though, not eating at that dinner.
That is really the first time I can remember direct body-shaming towards me, but since then, there have been countless. As I moved through my teenage years, I was a vocalist, and was in performing in front of others often. For a production in middle school, I remember being made fun of because I had to wear the largest shirt costuming had on hand (which was a size L, by the way). In my freshman year of high school, I was in color guard, and when buying the required clothes, I had to buy the largest size listed, which told me that I was nearly "too big" to be on the team. I carried these experiences with me, and I would take gentle laxatives to help me lose that extra weight.
I never told my parents about those struggles, and I rationalized that the laxatives were the safest way for me to do what I was trying to do. Thankfully, they never "worked", and after a few months, I stopped taking them. That doesn't mean, however, that I didn't research different types of diets. When I was in my last year of high school, I was focused on calorie counting and the 21 Day Fix. I counted my calories for a year and half straight, and while I did lose weight, I hated it because of how robotic it made me feel. The 21 Day Fix took away my favorite foods, and told me that food I enjoyed the most was bad for me. This created an awful relationship with food, causing me to shame myself for what my body naturally enjoyed the most, and to associate the act of eating with negativity.
Alright, take a deep breath. Drink some water. Walk around a little bit.
All of that info was heavy, and unfortunately, it's a nearly universal experience for larger-bodied people. All of that was to let you know where I came from, and where my experiences are tied to.
Over time, and with the help of several close friends and partners, I've healed those experiences and stopped "dieting" and started trying to find movement that made me happy. Granted, comparison mentality is a huge beast that looms over us all (and I plan to talk about this beast in the future), but these changes led me to the Pole Studio. There, even though I was still the biggest in the room, I felt encouraged, valued, challenged, and feminine.
All of those things made me want to come back again and again, and eventually, I ended up where I am today. I hold several licenses and certifications in movement and dance, and have been a Movement Specialist for 5 years. I plan to go over my experiences as a baby poler, as well as my experience as a plus-sized woman in the Health and Wellness fields at length in future posts.
I'm pretty bad at transitions, so here's some info about the blog and the content I plan to post:
About Hypnotique Movement
Hypnotique Movement is the name I've picked out for my movement brand, and I hope one day that it will also be the name of a pole studio I own. While I'm building that dream, I've assigned the name to this blog to represent myself and my thoughts.
My style of movement is very circular, in that I enjoy waves, spins, and circles more so than vertical skills like climbs, tricks, and stands. In that, I strive to be "Hypnotique", in that my movement draws the audience in and causes things to stir that could have been dormant previously.
In the Fitness and Gym realm, I hope to help my clients and students learn to be full rounded beings, helping them discover different aspects of their being and help them on their wellness journey. I want to help every body move without pain to their full range of motion, as well as help improve their emotional, intellectual, spiritual, social, occupational, financial, and environmental health. I strive to include everyone in my work, regardless of age, race, gender, body size, sexuality, or physical ability.
This blog will cover a wide variety of topics, but all of them are centered around Movement and Wellness Practices. Most of the posts will be centered around the Pole, Dance, and Circus world from the lens of a plus-size performer, but some will also have education and tips to improve general well being.
The TLDR;
I am a fat woman who has always felt bigger, and was shamed because of it. Today, I know a lot about a little, and most of that little relates to the human body and how it moves. This blog will be my thoughts, knowledge, and experiences as a larger-bodied movement specialist, and will hopefully also share some knowledge with you about achieving your goals. This blog will be updated bi-weekly during the weekend (Fri-Sun).
If you have a suggestion on what post topics I should focus on, let me know with the button below?
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